I crawl out of bed after my alarm has been snoozed three times. Last night’s medication – gin – makes my head feel thick as I prise myself from the covers.
Today is a dark day: I can tell already. I wonder whether I have the energy to last out until I can crawl back into oblivion once more. I check my diary again, I did it last night to see if I could face the day. I couldn’t, so I drank gin.
I urge myself to the bathroom – it feels like a Herculean feat. Like climbing a mountain with a dead you on your back.
The illness makes me look old and haggard; great. I haven’t the energy to shower so I wash in cold water; I don’t have hot, I forgot to put the boiler on. I wet my hair in the hope it will look like I care.
I have no appetite. I choose a cup of tea which will at least help with the dehydration. I iron a shirt; it’s not clean so I spray it with deodorant. I dress, feeling pain throughout my body.
I list all of the jobs I haven’t managed to complete in my head; I know I am a failure.
It’s raining. I look at the grey sky which seems to suck out what energy I have.
I start the car and the engine warning light is on, mocking me. It’s an expensive fix. I drive up the verge to miss a bus; how did I not see it?
I get to work and the charade begins again. I say good morning loudly and smile. I can’t concentrate, can’t focus. I want to leave, but I don’t think anyone notices. Perhaps they do, they just don’t care.
I’m supposed to be a leader, a role model, an inspiration. I am none of those things. They will realise this, if they have not done so already.
I have a text, I can’t read it, they don’t like me when I am ill. I can’t tell them because they will say I should have phoned, or that their life is shit too.
I stumble though meetings with people who don’t know me, talking about things I know little about; I know I should care.
I decide to sign up to ‘Stoptober’ and get fit, but then realise a month is a long time.
I get in the car to go home and the exhaustion overcomes me like I’m in a stinking sack of detritus. Playing the game.
I drive home. The warning light is on.